crossroads / 11:33:00 PM

it was good meeting up the aj volleyball girls again. after a year's hiatus because i was always unavailable for the gatherings. though maybe they don't really understand my reasons for missing out on them for the past year. but nevertheless, now that i have the time, it's good to catch up with friends. had a nice dinner and a drink coffee session thereafter. caught up with each other. especially when my news weren't updated.

it made me realise how each of us have matured in our own ways. went on to our own lives. found our own boyfriends. the different experiences that each of us have. it may be better than yours, or for worst. the chats we had, is more than just girl talk, or volleyball. implicitly it showed plans for our future, for what we wanted for ourselves or for others. but not knowing whether it'll be fulfilled. comapring the life of others and your own. the crossroads we come to. suddenly i'm reminded that we're all adults now, soon to face the world on our own after we graduate. and be another face of the working population, blouses, pants, heels, scrruying along the pavements to make a living and survive. decisions on career, alternatives if it doesnt work out. it feels so 'adultish'. maybe i'm not ready to be an adult, to make decisions, cos it concerns your life and living. it's scary to think of the future and wonder if things will work out.

and i'm still kinda irritated that i didnt get to fulfill the bkk plans. maybe it's just how we were brought up, so safe here that we dont dare to venture out at the slighest sign of danger. now where's the excitement. life feels plain. not exciting. or fulfilling, yet. makes me wodner what have i been doing for the past few years. maybe i had my ups, my memories. but seems like it has been a flat line with minimal amplitudes ever since.or maybe i expect too much of what i want in life. alwys never satisfied and happy with what i have. sounds big and greedy. and then i'll go into how you live only once so we have to make full use of this lifespan and do big. ha. i sound cynical. maybe i am. or maybe i'm just becoming a lost sheep in this monotonous space, going on auto pilot, to survive. maybe i should just go strike 4d and be a tai-tai. nah that would be boring.

maybe i don't even know what i want. maybe i should just stop and breathe and take every little aspect with pride.